For those who insist on reducing the Pentagon’s budget, a blip of good news. Turns out, America might not be able to muster much of an army in the near future. And robots are cheap to feed and have no need for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

As the BBC News tells us – “Rising rates of obesity among young Americans could undermine the future of the US military, two retired generals have warned.” “More than a quarter of young Americans are now too fat to fight, they said.”

Of course, the generals know what’s best. They recommend “laws to give US children better nutrition in schools, with less sugar, salt and fat.” Here comes the food police.

Hope is not lost. Just when you thought the days of rebellion and dissent were a long gone wisp of memory, the specter of America’s next great Youth Revolt appears like a pair of halogen headlights in a Mississippi graveyard – The Transfat Tiraders!

Imagine legions of porky pubescents marching down America’s congested boulevards, their banners wafting in the polluted breeze, chanting in defense of unmitigated access to sugar, salt, bacon, and junk food. The imagery is enough to cause a spontaneous chocolate craving fit!

The Baby Boomers will understand this new wrinkle in youth’s eternal nonconformity streak. It’s in the blood (lipids). Part of our species’ innate tangle DNA (and BHT, MSG, NACL, and C(6)H(12)O(6)). The Wheel turns, same as it ever was. And America’s kids won’t take an assault on their entitlements sitting down. Make that standing up, sitting being the new national pastime for anyone too young to remember trees, shrubs, fireflies, bluebirds, and a good menacing thunderstorm.

The Boomers had their Jaggers, Lennons, Woodstocks, and Mary Jane. Now it’s another generation’s turn. As a kid from Dallas told Fox “News” recently, “Let them eat Whoppers!”

Let’s face it – we have not only met the enemy, but we like the guy. Monkeys are predictable critters. And the more monkeys per square foot, the more predictable they become. You can lead them to water, but they’ll rebel until you put Pepsi in their glass.

America’s generals will soon find themselves toiling in some other line of work. Perhaps leading armies of obese janitors along the beaches of Louisiana, picking oil from the branches of ancient oaks, a legacy of the spill from decades ago in 2010.

posted by Mudd

Good news for amphibians, jaguars, chimpanzees, toucans, elephants, whales, chipmunks, orchids, and assorted other critters; bad news for Homo erectus asphaltus – “As many as one in five healthy young men between the ages of 18 and 25 produce abnormal sperm counts. Even the sperm they do produce is often of poor quality.”

What’s going on here? Are we to believe that the “family jewels” have lost their luster? Could the human species be on the fast track to extinction?

According to The Independent [UK], one possible clue is that a “man who smokes typically reduces his sperm count by a modest 15 per cent or so, which is probably reversible if he quits. However, a man whose mother smoked during pregnancy has a fairly dramatic decrease in sperm counts of up to 40 per cent – which also tends to be irreversible.”

Good ole mom.

Another, perhaps more fun, reason for our sudden loss of viable squigglies is indicated by the results of a study, which found that “women who ate large amounts of beef during pregnancy, a diet rich in potentially damaging chemicals called polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs), had sons with relatively low sperm counts. But eating beef as an adult man shows no similar impact.”

Now the writing is clearly on the proverbial wall: If you seriously want to “save the planet” and see the Earth achieve that ever illusive quality we casually refer to as “sustainable,” there’s a simple path towards those lofty goals – smoke lots of cigarettes and eat more beef. Lots more.

The irony overwhelms – Marlboros and Big Macs to the rescue!

posted by Mudd

This in from The Birmingham News – “Beavers have moved into a subdivision in Gardendale [Alabama] and are causing creek water to threaten homes.”

Nature bats last!

posted by Mudd

As reported by MSNBC – “School lunches have been called many things, but a group of retired military officers is giving them a new label: national security threat.”

Perhaps those pesky corn dogs are potential weapons against the State, wielded by 5th graders aspiring to become tomorrow’s leaders of the Tea Party?

No – the retired military wonks believe “that school lunches have helped make the nation’s young people so fat that fewer of them can meet the military’s physical fitness standards, and recruitment is in jeopardy.”

pass the granola.

posted by Mudd

The BBC News reports that a new study finds an interesting trend in water usage amongst the “developed” nations. “The amount of water used to produce food and goods imported by developed countries is worsening water shortages in the developing world, a report says.”

One White Lab Coat guy suggests that the West is helping to create the “perfect storm,” whereby “developing” nations are looking at a bleak future due to water shortages.

“Forecasts suggest that when the world’s population soars beyond 8bn in 20 years time, the global demand for food and energy will jump by 50%, with the need for fresh water rising by 30%.”

The problem appears to come from what is called “embedded” water. This is the aqua used to make goods (such as T-shirts and beer) that is hidden from the consumer.

“Ten times as much is embedded in the British-made goods bought by the average UK consumer; but that represents only about one-third of the total water embedded in all the average consumer’s food and goods, with the remainder coming from imports.”

The same holds true for other highly industrial consumer nations.

As usual, many urge for immediate water conservation, which comes with its own merits. But, as most anthropologists understand, primates rarely conserve for the hell of it, which includes ethical considerations. Other wonks suggest that nations high on the food chain should consider banning the import of certain items in order to assist developing countries meet basic caloric needs.

Consider this – Starbucks having to grow its own coffee beans in Mississippi.
Fat chance.

The saga continues, with scant mention of the magic formula – IPAT.

posted by Mudd