The Food Police cometh

For those who insist on reducing the Pentagon’s budget, a blip of good news. Turns out, America might not be able to muster much of an army in the near future. And robots are cheap to feed and have no need for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

As the BBC News tells us – “Rising rates of obesity among young Americans could undermine the future of the US military, two retired generals have warned.” “More than a quarter of young Americans are now too fat to fight, they said.”

Of course, the generals know what’s best. They recommend “laws to give US children better nutrition in schools, with less sugar, salt and fat.” Here comes the food police.

Hope is not lost. Just when you thought the days of rebellion and dissent were a long gone wisp of memory, the specter of America’s next great Youth Revolt appears like a pair of halogen headlights in a Mississippi graveyard – The Transfat Tiraders!

Imagine legions of porky pubescents marching down America’s congested boulevards, their banners wafting in the polluted breeze, chanting in defense of unmitigated access to sugar, salt, bacon, and junk food. The imagery is enough to cause a spontaneous chocolate craving fit!

The Baby Boomers will understand this new wrinkle in youth’s eternal nonconformity streak. It’s in the blood (lipids). Part of our species’ innate tangle DNA (and BHT, MSG, NACL, and C(6)H(12)O(6)). The Wheel turns, same as it ever was. And America’s kids won’t take an assault on their entitlements sitting down. Make that standing up, sitting being the new national pastime for anyone too young to remember trees, shrubs, fireflies, bluebirds, and a good menacing thunderstorm.

The Boomers had their Jaggers, Lennons, Woodstocks, and Mary Jane. Now it’s another generation’s turn. As a kid from Dallas told Fox “News” recently, “Let them eat Whoppers!”

Let’s face it – we have not only met the enemy, but we like the guy. Monkeys are predictable critters. And the more monkeys per square foot, the more predictable they become. You can lead them to water, but they’ll rebel until you put Pepsi in their glass.

America’s generals will soon find themselves toiling in some other line of work. Perhaps leading armies of obese janitors along the beaches of Louisiana, picking oil from the branches of ancient oaks, a legacy of the spill from decades ago in 2010.

posted by Mudd