EVAN CANTOR...BOULDER, COLORADO

If I were President of the USA, I'd want to stop the senseless killing in Iraq, bring the troops home and let the Iraqis finish the civil war they started a thousand years ago. I'd put the troops to work domestically, on bridges and levees amongst other projects. I'd have scientists advising on these projects so we didn't just repeat old mistakes. Let's restore the bayous while we're fixing New Orleans.

I'd appoint Jim Stiles Secretary of the Interior (if he'd take the job). I'd direct Interior to review citizen wilderness proposals already on the table and approve about 90% of them. I'd assemble a committee to look at remaining federal lands to see what wasn't yet completely ruined and designate a bunch of National Monuments, to prevent ongoing desecration. We'd come up with a new designation, "Federal Common Lands" perhaps, places that would be off-limits to commercial promotion, whether it be industrial or recreational. Not even open to wilderness outfitters. Consider for a moment one of my favorite proposed places, the North Canyonlands FCL. A few dirt roads, a couple of paved ones. My designation would prohibit off-road use of motorized vehicles. There could be no uranium mining in Hell Roaring Canyon or coal stripping on the rims of Labyrinth. Such a place is loved by many and coveted by a only a few who are already sickeningly wealthy, whose only concern is a mega-profit they don't even need.

I'd reform the tax code so that the poor paid a smaller percentage of their living income than the rich. The Super-Rich would pay the highest percentage tax, because, damnitall, they can actually afford it with no impact. Then I'd introduce a reverse-welfare tax code. I'd give you a tax break for having no children. More children would equal higher taxes. I'd phase this in over a fifteen-year period so nobody was thrown into the poorhouse overnight without warning. No more economic reward for larger families. There's too many humans already. Speaking of tax breaks, I'd give you one for not owning an automobile. The more automobiles you or your household own, the more taxes you'd pay in an incrementally exponential fashion. I'd include ATVs, ORVs, motorcycles, snow-mo's and the like. You want to desecrate our communal environment with your internal-combustion engines? Not without paying! Your combustion tax would re-build street-car infrastructures and restore the railroad. Regarding motorized toys, we might just have to get regulation-crazy at places like Bloab. I hate rules and regulations as much as the next independent-minded Luddite rebel, but hell, people, enough is enough.

I'd end the War On Drugs and treat addiction medically. I'd legalize marijuana so it could be sold by liquor stores instead of by black-market pushers. Once marijuana was taken out of the pharmaceutical black-market, it would reduce other drug problems radically and empty our prisons of people guilty only of trying to catch a buzz off a harmless plant. I wouldn't legalize heroin and meth and coke, but I wouldn't throw all the users into crime school (re: prison) for their poor judgment. With marijuana more readily available, and sold at liquor or tobacco stores, most of these folks wouldn't have the opportunity to experiment with black market drugs. Alcohol and tobacco have their own problems, but they're already legal and I don't propose criminalizing them. I would set the drinking age at 18 and introduce a very strict process for driver-education and license issuance. If young people can vote and kill and die in the Army, they ought to be able to buy beer. We'd tie federal highway funding to an alcohol tax. Meanwhile, legal marijuana would allow the hemp business to get jump-started in North America and that would reduce some of our dependency on plastics and petroleum.

I'd change how school funding is arranged. Instead of rich precincts funding fabulous schools for themselves and poor precincts scraping by with crappy schools, I'd take everybody's school tax and distribute it evenly. If a few rich weasels wanted to send their kids to private school instead of public, fine, go ahead, but they'd still have to pay their school tax.

I'd create a Manhattan-Project style group working on retrofitting coal-burning power plants to clean up the emissions. There's got to be a way. I'd get those scientists working on wind and solar, too, but I'd want to fix that coal process first. It's what we're most dependent on currently, so let's fix it. We could even share our wonderful new technologies with China, to help with the global climate challenge. I'd put an end to the whole ethanol scam. I'd want to seriously examine what the hell can be done about the petroleum business so that the world doesn't end up in the thrall of a Corporate Petroleum Oligarchy. They're a business, fer Chrissakes, not a Government! Then I'd sit back with a beer and a lime and take a break. Whew, this being President business is a lot of work, eh? I'm sure I forgot three times as much stuff as I remembered, but at least I got started.

RACHEL WHITE...SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH

·Bring all U.S. troops home from Iraq immediately. Remove all U.S. military bases from foreign countries. Make 2 year military service mandatory for all able bodied young people (that should stop our imperialistic wars!)

· Dissolve the electoral college and institute direct election of the President. Provide national funding for all political parties, enact campaign finance reform (outlaw PACs).

·End the death penalty because it diminishes the value of all life.

· Provide national healthcare, eliminating private insurance or privately owned healthcare for profit. Make mental health services available to everyone, and drug & alcohol rehabilitation programs with no waiting lists.

· Legalize all drugs and provide distribution through state run stores (like the Utah liquor store) –– eliminate the criminal element from production, distribution and use and give people better alternatives than drug addiction.

· Build housing for the homeless so that anyone who is homeless really is on the streets by choice.

·Increase estate taxes and use proceeds to provide first class education to all children in the U.S. so that real equal opportunity is possible.

· Pay reparations for slavery to descendants. Appoint national committee to close 90% of prisons and find alternative rehabilitation for those incarcerated except for the most hopeless offenders.

· Appoint the Vice President of the U.S. to chair a committee of representatives from every American Indian tribe to find the best way to provide justice for Indians and enable continuation of traditional livelihoods. Honor all treaties still possible to implement (such as the Treaty of Ruby Valley).

· Enact a moratorium on boundaries of all cities and towns. Limit development to in-fill of current human-occupied areas.

· Promote regional production of food, products and services so that overseas shipping to the U.S. becomes rare. Build public infrastructure for virtual conferences, so that airplane travel for business or meetings becomes unusual. Convene with economic advisers of other countries to address global warming and health of the oceans immediately and effectively. No economic alternatives would be out of the realm of discussion, including democratic socialism.

· Fund rapid development of wind and solar power. Restore and expand national network of railroads and provide full employment by dismantling the entire Interstate Freeway system.

AL CORNETT...SLADE, KENTUCKY

My first thought as President is to immediately ban all religious groups and make it a criminal offense (death penalty) to even mention religion in Washington, D.C. I would further explain the great difference between organized religion and true, god-oriented, personal spirituality. I realize this penalty is too severe because simple people do not know of the brain-washing crap they have listened to their entire lives. If there's a god "out there," he/she/it is surely saying, "Damn, what a hell of a mess I've created; I should have known it wouldn't work on such a small planet. I gave them just enough intelligence to be able to work for me and they've created all these damned corrupting factors; its enough to make me lose my religion - uh, uh, I mean, spirituality."

The second thing that crossed my mind was to ban any Texan from becoming president in the future and turn the state into a giant commune for all those crazies who wish to be brain-washed and turned into a zombie. Texas seems to be where all the sex-crazy, Jesus-freak characters want to start their little-girl schools. But, that also is a little severe because surely, as Abraham argued with the Lord before Sodom and Gomorra were 'nucked' into oblivion, "There's got to be at least one good Texan still wondering in the desert."

Here is the reality of the whole, intelligent design argument which blows most of the advocates of such beliefs out of their own realm of understanding: I tell them, yes, I believe in intelligent design, and they always get that satisfying grin, and their eyes sparkle and light up believing they've found another "brother." Then I explain that there were several "gods" running around in ancient Mesopotamia long before the corrupted stories found in the New Testament were in existence. These gods, especially Enki and Enlil of the Sumerian pantheon, created man as a worker, not a worshipper, and that is where intelligent design began. This, of course, brings science back into the picture. They don't want any part of this explanation and that is where the conversation generally ends.

DAVID CREMEAN... SPEARFISH, SOUTH DAKOTA

If I were President, I would begin by abolishing all politics and change the name of the country to The Untied States of Anarchia and mandate utter local control. Simultaneously, I would ban my office, along with all forms of wreckreation, autocracy, plutocracy, fascism, communism, capitalism, developers, environmental rape and pillage, mainstream environmentalism, corporatism, bad Hollywood movies, bad books, bad writing, bad thinking, human reproduction for at least 40 years, technocrats and technocracy, any more paved roads, (sur)reality TV, royalty, bad beer, poor chocolate, the Drug War, the Military-Industrial Complex, overly egotistical wide receivers, and no doubt a host of other specific thangs. Then I''d retire and write and bike, flyfish and hike, backpack and crike my life away.

JOHN HARRINGTON...SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH

Incentive America

If I were elected president, I would create a program whereby every man, woman and child in the United States would receive cash-redeemable credits for a variety of positive documented life choices and practices they could pursue.

For example, there would be the "Basic Health Credit." This would involve height, weight, stamina measurements, no smoking and a few other things. Get in and stay in the optimum configuration for your gender and age, pass the test twice a year, submit the form, get cash.

There would be a "healthy diet" checklist that would be documented at participating markets. Submit the annual form pertaining to the foods you consume, meet the standards, get cash. There would be a home energy credit, a vehicle use (or non-use) credit, an educational improvement credit, and several others. Since most of these records are already captured anyway, it would not be a stretch to share them (electric bills, report cards, etc.) and get cash.

The program would also extend to volunteer hours. In this case, you don't get cash for the hours you serve. Instead, you get to designate the charity of your choice and the charity gets the cash.

I call the program –– "Incentive America."

You might also call it –– "Awareness Through Cash."

In a capitalistic society where we currently squander billions on poor choices like smoking, alcohol abuse, obesity, ignorance, intolerance, toxic class warfare, energy wastefulness on an unimaginable scale and a myriad of other issues, like war as a first option –– I would put the buck to work to get folks motivated to do the right thing.

Why not? We already lay out trillions to do the wrong things. So, it would work. I know. I have been doing it with my kids for 20 years and people are always commenting, "what great kids you have."

Cash talks, baby. BS walks.

STEVE RUSSELL...MOAB, UTAH

First, read the "Culture of Make Believe" by Derrick Jensen and see if it warps every assumption you have of the world and the place of the world's only " Super-Power" in it. Second, kill all the politicians. (a "play" on Shakespeare)

Throughout my campaign, first and foremost, I would pledge a total commitment to campaign finance reform. Amerika – the only Country in the world where every boy (and now even every girl and colored person!) can legitimately dream of growing up to be President. The only qualification, and I do mean only qualification, is that you have the enough corporate, military-industrial and trans-national connections to raise $250,000,000 or so to run a decent campaign. Anyone can do it! Repeat after me: Bush-Clinton, Bush-Clinton, Bush-Clinton . . . ad nauseum

Our electoral process is pathetic and declining. Our grand "two-party" system is plutocracy enshrined. What we need is a wide-open, multi-party system. It's tough for any single party to accomplish anything in that kind of system. Deals have to be brokered, concessions made, the interests of non-elites considered. In a real representative democracy, coalitions could have been formed to oust the Bush regime, no-confidence votes demanded, impeachment proceedings commenced. No so, in Amerika.

Some of the highlights of my platform:

1. Elections are completely publicly funded, with rational limits to be established.
2. In exchange for their wildly lucrative broadcasting rights, public broadcasters are required to provide a set amount of free air-time, equally distributed among all candidates.
3. No limit on the number of candidates or parties. 50.1% of the popular vote needed to win. Short of that, run-offs. (Coalitions have to be built. Small parties gain real power.)

The only way politics in America can advance is to get the $$$ out of it. Currently, for all our soaring rhetoric, the dreams, aspirations and lives of the "American People" amount only to so much dog-do to be scraped off the soles of Italian leather tasseled loafers before doing the bidding of our corporate and big-money masters.

Take Iraq (please). Does anyone really believe it was an effort to: (a) find WMD's; (b) prevent a Saddam, al-Qaida alliance; or, last proffered and least of all (c) to spread democracy?

Iraq was solely to ensure our gluttonous future supply of oil while, at the same time, fattening the already over-stuffed pockets of the corporate and military-industrial interests who run our current criminal regime. (Have you noticed the current mass exodus of rats from the sinking Bush ship? Look for transitions to book deals, lobbying, and high positions in the corporations that have benefited most from Bush criminal enterprises. How about a $350,000 ironing board sold to Berzerkistan as a Waterboard? Stranger and sadder things have happened in our name.)

Meaningful election and campaign finance reform would have prevented the mess we are handing off to future generations. The least we can do for the poor bastards is fix the system now, and pave the way for real people – actual representatives – to have a shot at fixing this sorry mess and restoring some semblance of a real American Dream, whatever that may be. Ask a Native American.

The only way to get real representative government is to elect real people.

art goodtimes...norwood, colorado

what i'd do if i were elected prez

the first things i'd do would be to make Barrack Obama Secretary of State and Hilary Clinton Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare (or whatever they're calling these days), Ralph Nader head of the EPA, and create a new Department of Peace with Dennis Kucinich as Secretary (and move the Department of Homeland Security and the Department of Defense and all covert operations under that new aegis).

i would end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan immediately through diplomacy and international treaty actions.

i would close Guantanamo Bay and return it to the Cubans in exchange for a treaty of mutual cooperation. i would initiate criminal charges against the previous administraiton of George W. Bush and most of his cabinet members.

i'd begin closing as the many as strategically possible of the 700+ military bases the U.S. maintains around the world. i would sign an international non-proliferation treaty for nuclear weapons with a timetable for the destruction of worldwise arsenals.

i would redirect vast amounts of money currently being spent on the military to reinvigorating our national economy -- repairing failing infrastructure, doing brownfield restoration, and stimulating a new green economy of self-sufficiency in the areas of energy, transportation, water, agriculture, etc.

i would reinvest in our public lands and try to develop land banks for agriculture, energy and forest production, while stimulating recreation and species protection and forest health restoration. i would push for the adoption of a freedom agenda, where folks were free to do whatever they chose so long as it did not hurt, impact, or unfairly handicap anyone else in society -- that would apply to social issues like marriage, childbirth and the ingestion of plant allies.

I would work internationally to create a new League of Nations built on democratic principles of one nation, one vote, and majority rule, as well as international principles of peace, justice and human rights. i'd push to add a green border to the old red, white and blue.

i'd push to adopt the equal rights amendment and the seventh generation amendment to our constitution.

and finally, on a personal note, i'd allow the rainbow gatherings to occur on public lands without a permit and law enforcement would not be allowed to carry weapons inside the encampment.

KEN ENGLISH...GUNNISON, UTAH

If I were president:

#1 There would be no celebration or cost for the inauguration.

#2 I would stop all foreign aid to all countries except Israel and Mexico.

#3 I would give complete pardons to all the young people who have been given stiff priso terms for narcotic set up crimes.

#4 If I had to go to war under the War Powers Act, it would have to be an air war, not ground troops. Yet I would request Congress to repeal parts of that act, passed on December 12, 1941. In other words, accept responsibility for the Presidential Wars. Since 1950, we could not win, especially without air power.

#5 The revised War Powers Act would not take effect without the consent of Congress. They must declare war.

#6 I would pay no attention to the RIGHT WING or the LEFT WING radicals and allow amnesty to all Mexican Nationals to be American citizens.

#7 I would then be ready for impeachment.

#8 I would choose a young running mate who would want to cut off all funds to the UN, which is a waste of tax payers' money. Especially the wasted UN Resolutions.

#10 I would re-organize the CIA and not allow them the power to give military secrets to the UN Security Council.

KIM JOHNSON...MARICOPA, AZ

The first moment I took office, I would fire the heads of the EPA, Forest Service, BLM, Fish and Wildlife, FEMA, Departments of the Interior, Agriculture, and anyone else I deemed totally, and completely incompetent in their job.

These organizations and others have cow-towed to the Bush Administration for nearly 8 years. It's time to clean house and get folks in there who actually do care about the environment, habitat, wildlife, and helping people in need following natural distasters. People who put what's right ahead of profits and abusive special interests.

Almost every decision made during these last two terms have profited the extractive industries, off-road enthusiasts, polluters, ranchers, and contractors who live in the back pockets of Bush administrators.

Yup, I'd say, "I do...and now so and so, so and so, so and so... you're all fired!

I'm getting all excited just thinking about it.

NEAL BOYNTON...ATLANTA, GA

The one thing I would do is have the University of Kentucky get rid of their basketball program.

I would drill for oil any and every place there was a trace of it.

I would build a dam in the Grand Canyon to produce more electricity.

I would build an oil refinery in Yellowstone National Park.

Lastly I would change the law so that President Bush could run for another two/three terms.

I would have Jefferson County and Louisville, KY become the 51st state.

POSTSCRIPT: I hope no one is taking me seriously.

CRISTA WORTHY...LOS ANGELES, CA

John and Theresa Heinz Kerry came to speak in my neighborhood, promoting their book about the need to act now against global warming and pollution. I said to him, "When you ran for President in 2004, Larry King asked you what would be the first thing you would do as President, if you were elected. You said you would restore U.S. funding for family planning programs in developing countries around the world, which have been cut by the Bush administration. Your answer surprised and pleased me, but I never heard any follow-ups as the campaign wore on. Now, I understand and agree with everything in your book, but I also think the 800-pound gorilla in the room is global human overpopulation. What good does it do if Phoenix citizens cut their water usage in half, for instance, yet the population there doubles? The planet cannot support 7 billion people with a decent standard of life. Why is every politician afraid to stand up and say we need to have fewer children?" Kerry pretty much dodged my question, saying that tackling global overpopulation is a long-term task, while the suggestions in his book were something we could all do now.

If I were President I would do everything in my power to convince the world of the absolute necessity to reduce the human population to no more than 2 billion people. This can be done. It would take about a century. No woman in the world should have more than one child until we reach this goal. I understand that during the period of contraction, there would be major disruptions to our economic systems. Real estate values would fall as fewer people are around to buy homes. Ever-smaller young populations would be under strain to support retirees. But eventually, there would be more of everything for everyone. The stress on the planet would be eased in every way, whether you are talking about resources, open space, global warming, or animal populations. As I see it, it's the only hope for decent long-term survival. Anyone interested in this should read The Future of Life by E.O. Wilson, as important a book as An Inconvenient Truth.

MARK MASON...

As president of the United States, on day one I would rescind the FCC licenses of all corporate media, banning advertising on TV and radio, opening up the channels for new, nonprofit media outlets funded by the government, but not controlled by the government. This goes for cable TV also. Secondly, I would nationalize the Internet infrastructure, removing private control over an essential public service, and ensuring net neutrality. Thirdly, I would nationalize healthcare, limiting for-profit healthcare, providing free healthcare for all.

As important as it is to get out of Iraq now, the symptoms of war can be addressed more effectively through addressing the structural causes that permitted Mr. Bush to start a war.

The corporate mass media is responsible for functioning as a war propaganda megaphone, cheerleading with the promulgation of the most patently obvious lies about Iraq. Putting an end to the corporate profits that corrupt what is passed off as "journalism" and "news" will bring a prompt end to the Iraq War.

Ending the abuse of the public airwaves by for-profit corporations, those driven to make enormous profits from death and destruction, will be a service to the public lasting in perpetuity. Never again should the US permit the corrupting influence of corporate profits to eclipse human rights.

Profits corrupt; absolute profits corrupt absolutely.

An independent press is essential to a healthy democracy. The public cannot make sound public policy judgements without timely, truthful information.

june maxwel...new york city

on the day of my inauguration i would ban the following:

unnecessary worry
reveling in the misfortunes of others
equating material wealth with success
unrequited love
trains and buses that don't come often enough
losing or misplacing things
guilt or flak about ''overdoing'' it
dictates for appropriate dress
buying shoes that don't fit well, hoping they will stretch
insufficient sleep
'untimely' death
nasal congestion
mistaking fantasy for reality
pulling rank and/or manipulating people
pretending you're smarter than you are
pretending you're dumber than you are
war

HOBART CLEMS...NEBRASKA

*If I wuz Prezident*, here''s what i''D do ––

1. Release anybody in any jail who''s sitting thar for smoking marijuana. Send me the evidence bein held by the police.

2. Get rid of the EPA in a New York minute. Don''t like pollution? Make it a nuisance to pollute. Keep yer pee outta my river!

3. Declare open season on anybody wearing a tie.

4. Get a compooter to replace the Subprime Cort.

5. Order the Army to blow up the Glen Canyon damn. What''s a Commander in Cheef for?

6. Take all that corn bein used in SUV gas tanks and make Uncle Sam Whiskey out of it. Position a barrel of the stuff at every voting booth durin elections. Worked for Andrew Jackson!

7. Encourage folks to sneak into Mexico and build a McMansion.

8. Make it easy to get out of payin taxes.

9. Quit subsidizing anything. If the guvment wants to throw money away, I''ll give them my address.

10. Tell Iran they have 10 minutes to get their shit together.

11. Make all incarcerated felons grow their own food.

12. You wrek your car while yappin on the phone, you pay for it.

13. Appoint Michael Jackson as Ambassadoor to Venezuala.

14. Free BBQ on Thursdays.

15. Tell Willie Nelson to come up with a new National Anthim.

Amen, pass the peas.

FRANCOIS CAMOIN...SALT LAKE CITY, UT

Hey man you couldn't pay me enough to do the job. Turns men into beasts.

MARK TAYLOR...SALT LAKE CITY, UT

If I were Prez, I would take a page from Joseph Stalin's book and purge anyone and everyone who has anything to do with the health care insurance industry. They are bloodsuckers and slime-balls and all would go to prison. In prison, they would be put into two categories: those to be executed and those who would serve long sentences - no exceptions. All executives and anyone who received an award for cost cutting - meaning denying lifesaving benefits to American citizens - would be summarily executed. Good riddance. Everyone else would get a 25 year sentence. No appeals.

To accommodate all the new inmates, I would empty the nation's burgeoning prisons of anyone convicted of a drug offense - and that means everyone.

Next, I would arrest Bush/Cheney and charge them with crimes against humanity. My plan would be to ultimately turn them over to the War Crimes Court in the Hague, Holland but not before incarcerating them at Gitmo for an indefinite period where they would write and recite their own self criticisms and contemplate their fat-ass navels. After four or five years of duck waddling, waterboarding and being held incommunicado without contact from family or attorneys, I would either turn them over to the Hague or put on a show trial based on Saddam's Baghdad trial and hang them; putting a just conclusion to the most disgusting era in American history. I would broadcast it live on YouTube and make all the lazy, fat-assed teenagers watch it and threaten to do the same to them if they don't go outside and play.

Next, I would confiscate all the properties and resources of every pharmaceutical, credit card, Wall Street and oil industry executives including Republican neo-conservatives and return it to those it was stolen from.

Finally, all religious zealots and fundamentalists - anyone who talks about angels or miracles - would be interned at re-education camps where they would be re-programmed and introduced to a fascinating concept called, reality.

CATHERINE SHANK.. MOAB, UT

My foundation of thought was greatly influenced by several cultural exchange programs to Latin America and graduate school where I had the awesome opportunity to live and theorize with people from all over the world. My mission as PREZ would be to cultivate the U.S. and global quality of life and happiness by 'thinking globally acting locally".

I would create a budget that would provide for everyone's basic healthcare, education, food, and housing needs. This kind of "homeland security" would eliminate survival issues, and free up the energy that could inspire all kinds of possibilities for creative solution and problem solving. Local, state,and national think tanks would be developed to further focus and inspire intelligent vision with a diversity that would represent a full cross section of U.S. citizens. Other revenue beyond this, would be used for the development and implementation of these new ideas along with "green technologies" which would leave fossil fuels with the dinosaurs and open doors to a sustainable future.

Everyone from junior high on would have the opportunity to read and practice Miguel Ruizs' book The Four Agreements, (be impeccable with your word,;action, thought, and deed), don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and always do your best. This could become a blue print for cultivating behavior with great integrity. All businesses and institutions, would be given tax incentives to offer employees a 2 hour break daily that would encourage time for meditation, health and wellness, counseling, body work, or for some kind of self care. Also each employee would have 6 weeks of paid vacation each year.

My administration would create opportunities for our elders to mentor our children and for cross-cultural sharing that would celebrate the gift and strength in our national diversity. Before any decisions are made involving another county such as continuing aid or military presence, there would need to be a thorough assessment done by Jimmey Carter's traveling group of "The Elders" and other diplomatic visionaries who could truly grasp the myriad of humanitarian needs involved.

I would do my best to fight terrorism with education, aid, and minimal military activity. Our troops could REALLY become peace keepers.

And finally, always accompanying our national anthem would be John Lennon's song IMAGINE.

DAN McCOOL... SALT LAKE CITY, UT

If I were the president, I would push for a new tax law that eliminated all subsidies, hand-outs, tax breaks and welfare checks for big corporations. I would then cut personal income taxes by a commensurate amount. Thus the change would be revenue-neutral.

Liberals would love cutting give-away programs for big corporations, and conservatives would love a big income tax reduction. Of course the big corporations would detest this but, at least at this point in time, they don't vote, and their lapdogs in Congress would have a hard time ignoring the public support this proposal would generate.

Thanks for the opportunity to be president for a couple of minutes!

JOHN MASON...

First, I would significantly restructure the tax rates; Those that were making billions would find themselves paying millions in income tax.

Second, I would introduce universal health insurance. This would cover everyone who's income was less that twice mine -- that would be 80% of us regular folk.

Third, I would nationalize the oil companies. This would put the obscene profits in the national treasury and help us pay off George Bushes excesses.

Forth, I would make sure that W. would be remembered as the worst president in our history and that no one from Texas could ever be president again.

Fifth, I would make sure that W's library had fewer than 100 books and they were all biographies of his administration.

Sixth, I would insist that W write one book report a week on one of his biographies; he would have to select a different biography each report.

Eight, I would have Kenneth Starr form a grand jury to evaluate W's performance.

Nine, after six months I would fire Ken Starr because he would never be done.

Ten, could I, I would fire Bush.

Eleven and twelve, I would have W clean up his mess while he was cleaning out his desk drawer.

CHRISTIAN PROBASCO...VALPARAISO, INDIANA

This one''s problematic for me. I can''t imagine myself being president under any circumstances. My wife says I have a problem with authority. I say I haven''t met one yet. But I''ll give it a try. If I were president, I would urge congress to do the following:

Raise the speed limit to 300.

Secede the United States from California.

Repeal the law of gravity for those over 40.

Raise the tax on politicians and bureaucrats and give the money to the poor.

Audit the defense department.

Phase out the penny.

Replace the motto "in God we trust" on the dollar bill with the following: "There is no predicament so dire, no circumstance so desperate, no danger so threatening that government intervention cannot make it worse."

Pass a law mandating that individuals wishing to run for any office plaster themselves with stickers denoting all donors to their campaigns, in the same fashion as race-car drivers paint their cars with their sponsors'' logos.

Eliminate all drug laws and drug tests, except for politicians, who would have to take mandatory drug tests.

Bar from office any person who would demean him/herself by submitting to a drug test.

As my last acts, I would install Bill the Cat, a fictional cartoon character, as vice-president. Then, because all tyrants deserve to die, I would put the stainless steel .44 magnum I would keep in the top drawer of my desk into my mouth and pull the trigger.

ROSCOE (& BETTY) BETUNADA... WHITEWATER, COLORAWDOUGH

Okay, for the purposes of this conjecture, it won't be that sudden. I'd surround myself with people whose opinions I trust and value. "Rule by committee." I won't name them here, let's keep them out of this, for now. I believe that the underlying cause behind the majority of environmental problems is human overpopulation. This is also a major cause behind many non-environmental problems. We, the U.S., would begin to enact a ZPG (or nearly so) mandate at home. How would this be conducted? I would not have any illusions about being a popular president.

We would then reduce, if not altogether curtail, aid to any nation which was not trying earnestly to do the same. Boxes of food would be replaced by boxes of condoms.

My wife would be a principal component of my staff. After nine-eleven, she stated that she'd address the problem not by "going after them" but by curtailing all foreign aid. "Bring us Bin-Laden's head and we'll resume the goodies." She believed that the "rest of the world" might balk at first, but then get right on it and pretty much do whatever we asked. And the re-direction of funds back here at home might go a long way towards highway upgrades, public transit inroads, generalized health care ...

She also wants the U.S. to "go more nuclear." (And that's NOT atom bombs). Less dependence on the entrenched oil-&-gas greedheads -- but are we creating the resurgence (if ever they 'went away') of uranium greedheads?

So-called "defense spending" -- what a misnomer. We'd do what we could to differentiate between defense and not-so-defense.

Space. Yes, let's start with a doubling of the small portion of national expenditures on the space (and beyond) program.

Universal health care -- if not 'universal,' then step in that direction.

Wilderness, public lands: we need more, not less.

And, come on now -- this is MY prez-eye-dentchial phantasy, eh? -- doesn't every administration have a WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF WE COULD DO THIS? list -- such as -->

(1) dealing with idiots. Idiots with (1a) guns. (1b) motor vehicles. (1c) too many kids, or any kids. (1d) more subcategories will definitely come up.

(2) I've rankled at obscene salaries and perks paid to CEOs and (mis)directors of corporations. We'd debate as to what, if anything, we could do to "reel it in." (2b) And the obscene oil company profits while most of us fume at the pump? "Reel (some of) it in" ... to U.S. treasury. (2c) Can we increase the tax on gasoline? Which could be re-directed anywhere, such as public transit, highway maintenance, etc.

(3) Legalize it. When faced with matters needing resolution with a high indecision quotient, I would consider the "negative calibration standard." During my last short-lived job I had a boss and his assistant who were two of the lamest excuses for human beings I have ever met. Anus Phardington and his cohort, the Pumpkin-Bellied Pumpkin-Head (PBPH) probably never wonder why any- and everything they look at appears like the inside of their rectums. When my cabinet and I face with uncertainty a course of action, I'd have my secret police (I don't want any 'direct lines' to those two!) ferret out the PBPH and Anus' recommendations. Whatever they thought should be done, we'd turn one-hundred-eighty degrees and chances would be real good that that would be what should be done. MZ.

PUEO-FEATHER...LOCATION UNKNOWN

You ask me to tell you what I would do if I were president.

First, I wouldn't tell anybody what I would do if elected, and that would greatly reduce the possibility that I would be smeared by bogus scandals, lose various members of my family to questionable suicides, plane crashes, or premature "heart attacks," or be assassinated myself. In fact, I might take a lesson from our present VP, and have dopey, folksy, easily manipulated golem actually be the manifest candidate, who would then make me his running mate.

Then, because I really don't need to make any detailed promises to anyone to be elected, other than those made privately and "disingenuously" ( new code for "lying through your teeth") to large donors from the military-industrial complex, I would, on January 21, 2009, with the powers vested in me, indict Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Wolfowitz, et al for war crimes and treason. I would also form an ongoing commission, with subpoena power, to find out, once and for all, how two steel towers can collapse identically at freefall speed through the paths of greatest resistance. Hey! I'm just curious.....

Of course, all wars, either presently ongoing, or those which may be engaged before I take office, will immediately cease. We will begin to negotiate with people, instead of wiping them off the face of the earth whenever we feel a little testy. And, the great wads of money saved as a result, will be put into the technological development of clean, cheap, renewable energy, as well as alternatives to the internal combustion engine. We'll invest in our schools, libraries, in local sustainable community building, health care and affordable housing for all.....and everybody gets a paid day off from work on their birthday!

Also, so as not to waste our weaponry, or have it fall into the wrong hands..... well, suffice it to say that Glen Canyon and Hetch Hetchy Dams, as well as a few others, need a little "shock and awe."

Yeah, in my dreams....

HOWARD TRENHOLME...MOAB, UTAH

The mess inherited by me as your new president is enormous. The economy is in dire straits, foreign policy decisions of my predecessor have all but bankrupted our once strong economy. Our continued addiction to oil has benefited the short term mindset mired in greed. This government and country has neglected the most important aspect of America, the people. Americans must once again be at the top of their government''s priority list. A few key shifts in policy will come into effect.

(1) The way tax payer dollars will be spent. In order to reign in overseas spending our foreign policy will shift. We will begin immediate withdraws from the 130 countries around the world and bring our troops home. In the place of this military spending tax dollars will be spent on humanitarian needs of the people of these occupied territories including food and medicine. It is my belief that paradigm shift in our approach will reduce the level of potential threats to our country. If we wish for freedom and democracy we must invest in helping and not hurting our neighbors around the world.

(2) Give all Americans basic health care. The US will no longer be at the bottom of the list when it comes to health care around the developed world. With a portion of the monies saved from our past military spending invested in the American people. No American should fear need for health care because of money or lack of it.

(3) Massive overhaul of internal infrastructure including the rapid development of renewable energy resources. Solar, hydro and wind power technology must be advanced on all levels. Tax breaks and incentives will be offered to citizens who become part of the solution instead of the problem. This government will partner with the people to become more efficient with the energy we consume offering incentive, for example, to those who invest in grid tied mini power stations. This kind of investment will reduce our dependence on fossil fuels.

(4) Our nation will become the leaders on climate issues. Kyoto will be ratified and built on. We must be a major player on this issue which will be solved globally and collectively. As the main polluter we must change our ways. We have a moral responsibility to be a partner with our global neighbors to change our ways.

(5) Reparations will begin to be paid to nations around the world we have damaged though our history of military intervention. We will assist in rebuilding the infrastructure we have destroyed around the world and give other nations the basis for allowing democracy to grow, through their participation in their own affairs.

(6) Our returning military will be reassigned to domestic duties including border patrol and law enforcement.

BOB MORGAN (UNCLE BEBOP)... MOAB, UTAH

The first thing I'd do would be to limit senators and congressmen to a maximum of 2 terms...no more fatcats gettin' fatter at our expense while they don't do SQUAT...

Revamp income taxes to ONE rate for everyone,no exemptions or other BS! Everyone pays the same percentage of income.Businesses pay one rate too,certain percentage of profit...NO EXEMPTIONS OR EXCEPTIONS!

Mandatory health care for all...we gotta get SOMETHING for our tax dollars!

Moratorium on new housing construction until all housing is occupied and energy independence has been realized...

Moratorium on new car sales until energy independence has been realized...

Oh yeah...arrest George Bush and his cabinet and charge them with crimes against humanity...

And Buddy ,that's just the beginning!!!

JOHN ANDREWS...MOAB, UTAH

I would do several things:

Medical Care
Every member of Congress, myself and my cabinet, along with their families, would be enrolled in Medicare with no prescription coverage or supplemental insurance for their term of service. Maybe that will wake the bastards up!

Energy Policy
Create a new department named National Energy Research & Development (NERD for short). Take 1/2 the budget of the Dept of Defense and fund NERD. Let's get some R&D going and some real energy policies in place .

Salary Cap
Who needs more than $25 million/year? Any individual who makes more than $25 million/year has to perform 1 month of community server for every extra $250,000 they make. Let's see Donald Trump picking up trash on the highway.

Population
Each man and woman would be allowed 2 offspring. If a man fathers a third, he loses one testicle. If he fathers a fourth, he loses the other testicle. If a woman bears a third child she loses an ovary, bears a fourth child, lose the last ovary. Same thing goes for cats.

MARK AUSTIN...BOULDER, UTAH

If I were President of the United States. I would resign effective immediately.

Reason: It is a hopeless situation, we have screwed ourselves through arrogance and greed! Additionally, religion has not helped out. Oh, I almost forgot that it has exacerbated the situation. Where are the aliens when we really need them anyway?

What the fook? Over and out.

ANGUS M. THUERMER, JR... JACKSON, WYOMING

If I were president I would work to; Rename the Department of Defense the Department of War. Mandate a tax district for those protected by the dikes lining major rivers, requiring residents, not the rest of the country, to pay for their own protection and environmental restoration. Move the U.S. Forest Service from under the auspices Department of Agriculture to the Department of Interior. Tell the Animal Plant Health Inspection Service it has no jurisdiction over Yellowstone wildlife, that brucellosis came from cows in the first place. Give the Peace Corps planes to bomb Myanmar with rice and water. Put Bush Administration officials responsible for the $35 million "drug interdiction" payment to the Taliban in 2001 - bait for resuming talks on a trans-Afghanistan oil pipeline - in the same cell as John Walker Lindh. Decree that those who crash into and kill a big game animal while driving lose their hunting license for that species that year. Repeal the tax write-off on mortgage interest paid for second homes. Redefine the Colorado River Compact to recognize the benefit of in-stream flows. Comfort the afflicted, afflict the comfortable. Predicate oil and gas lease decisions on field development plans so all impacts are recognized up front. End the American Apartheid of migrant service workers from Mexico by legitimizing their presence with visas, allowing them to join our society and obtain drivers' licenses, health insurance and services paid for by their tax money.

M. JOHN FAYHEE....SILVER CITY, NM

If I were president, I would work tirelessly to reinstate every treaty and the terms of every treaty between the U.S. government and the Native Americans that was not honored in part or in full between now all the way back to when Columbus first trespassed upon the "New World."

Simultaneously, I would work to aggressively begin a program of cultural reintroduction similar to the critical habitat protection component of the Endangered Species Act, wherein every Native American individual and tribe willing to make an honest attempt to live in a traditional manner (within reason, of course) would be allowed to (re)take up legal residence on all of their native habitat. If that conflicts with existing uses of that land, then so be it.

Whether the "live in a traditional manner" component of my platform includes waging war against Whites, that will up to the courts to decide.

TOM THORNE...SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH

If I were president I would work to; Rename the Department of Defense the Department of War. Mandate a tax district for those protected by the dikes lining major rivers, requiring residents, not the rest of the country, to pay for their own protection and environmental restoration. Move the U.S. Forest Service from under the auspices Department of Agriculture to the Department of Interior. Tell the Animal Plant Health Inspection Service it has no jurisdiction over Yellowstone wildlife, that brucellosis came from cows in the first place. Give the Peace Corps planes to bomb Myanmar with rice and water. Put Bush Administration officials responsible for the $35 million "drug interdiction" payment to the Taliban in 2001 - bait for resuming talks on a trans-Afghanistan oil pipeline - in the same cell as John Walker Lindh. Decree that those who crash into and kill a big game animal while driving lose their hunting license for that species that year. Repeal the tax write-off on mortgage interest paid for second homes. Redefine the Colorado River Compact to recognize the benefit of in-stream flows. Comfort the afflicted, afflict the comfortable. Predicate oil and gas lease decisions on field development plans so all impacts are recognized up front. End the American Apartheid of migrant service workers from Mexico by legitimizing their presence with visas, allowing them to join our society and obtain drivers' licenses, health insurance and services paid for by their tax money.

Promptly after taking the oath of office as president of the United States, I would take five minutes on the Capitol steps sketching out a series of broad directives from which to make and execute policy. That same day, after handing these guidelines to my well-considered vice president, I would pack the truck and disappear for eight years. The glory that was the Thorne Administration will be remembered as having stemmed from a few simple, enlightened guidelines:

1. First, be nice or shut the f*#k up.

2. Second, be honest or shut the f*#k up.

3. Drill this idea into the collective American mindset: whatever you choose to do, do it to yourself. Leave all others including fauna, flora, land and ecosystems the hell alone.

4. Drop all subsidies and corporate or industrial welfare. Let any industry, group or individual that can't (or refuses to) compete or innovate in the world marketplace go to hell.

5. Redefine "American interests" as those directly consequential to life within our borders. Leave any sovereign country doing it's own thing (or to others around them as long as it's not us) the hell alone.

6. Establish a federally-funded, remedial education program for voting age citizens to focus on critical, honest, and independent thinking. Participation will be forced on all who voted for George W. Bush twice, who have ever been heard parroting election year sloganeering (Republican or Democrat), who think "Mexican" is a language, who blindly follow trends, who bother to rationalize idiotic behavior, who spend more than they make, and who are just plain stupid.

7. Require all cities and municipalities in the west to use what water they have and no more. Grow with the resources available locally or dry up.

8. Leave what remains of the forests, BLM-managed lands, preserves, parks and monuments the hell alone. Immediately designate all WSAs and wilderness quality lands as such.

9. Drain the reservoir, allocate funds for cleanup, and establish Glen Canyon National Park.

10. Arrange for one final federal land swap, President Thorne's home in Salt Lake City for one acre surrounding and including the Kigalia guard station.

MICHAEL BROHM... LOUISVILLE, KY

If elected, for four years I'll go trout fishing in Wyoming, catch & release of course